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Wrong Rewards and Arrogant Eternity

by Gwildungsroman

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1.
Butterfly 05:08
Every window tells a different story and behind closed eyes you think you’re safe. Every story has the same old ending, the writing was always on the wall. Radiant, you start to fade to grey and sepia shots of what was not. Paralysed by fear and expectation, the writing was always on the wall. Let me go. I’ll burn your letters, you burn our bridges, it was the only thing keeping me awake. Love is blind but hindsight’s 20-20, the writing was always on the wall. Try to live inside an age-old cliché with no resemblance to what we shared. Discretion was a promise that you poisoned, the writing was always on the wall. Let me go. Butterfly, you can’t make all the memories fade away. Butterfly, you can’t take back the pain from yesterday. Let me go. I don’t need you. I don’t want you. I don’t love you.
2.
Val 02:56
“Promise me”, she said, “this won’t hurt a bit and you’ll be there.” I will see you through so drift away. “Promise me”, she said, “it will be okay and we won’t change.” I just smiled and held her hand so tight. Are you better? Are you better off? Is it worth it to sing? Is this progress? ‘cos I missed the part where I meant anything. “Promise me”, she said, “we’ll get through this and we’ll find hope.” We’ll make picture perfect scenes once more. “Promise me”, she said, “we’ll do all we can to carry on.” Please don’t let me succumb to fear. Are you better? Are you better off? Is it worth it to sing? Is this progress? ‘cos I missed the part where I meant anything.
3.
Tiles 04:44
You found me drinking in an empty house I built from bricks of guilt. Unbuttoned shirts and rolled-up sleeves showed empty skin you coloured from within. We laid our tiles out on the floor with blanks to fill and guts to spill from lessons lost and lessons learned and lessons that I never earned. I never wanted to change the world, I just wanted to care, to love, to share. I found foundation in a bottle, I became a temporary king. I wore a crown of wasted youth that I don’t understand. You took your words and set away across the sea and now I know I headed east to start again. I never wanted to change the world, I just wanted to care, to love, to share. It’s just a matter of time ‘til I decide it’s enough. It’s just a matter of time until I write it all off. It’s just a matter of time until I finally give up.
4.
Dalloway 03:51
I don’t need a saviour, it’s easier to cope with little revelations on backs of envelopes. If god decides the gallows and calls me to the rope then I pity the hangman, holding out for hope. Crosses are constructions, a gilded place to hide with chapter and instruction to kill the doubt inside. Souls are up for auction, we are terrified, and I don’t have direction, I’m not sure I tried. I’m not sure I tried. I could buy repentance if guilt were copper coins, fraying at the edges, rusting at the joins. I lost friends and family like forgotten toys, burning bright and burnt out, lost in all the noise. Staring at the ceiling, searching for the sky, I’m not really dealing with the wolves at night. I just want perfection, even though I lied and I don’t have direction, I’m not sure I tried. I’m not sure I tried. We’ll both come to harm in the webs we weave, lying hand on heart, lying heart on sleeve. It’ll always hurt me, the man I couldn’t be, but I guess that worse things happen out at sea. Sorrow found me hopeless, fighting off the tide. Hollow found me homeless, and I can’t decide if I need correction or just need some time, ‘cos I don’t have direction, I’m not sure I tried. I’m not sure I tried. Simplicity in sadness written on her arms, complicity in madness sounding false alarms. We’re all turning circles on this map of ours, looking for the exit like butterflies in jars. I will take my bad parts, I will bury them. I will make a new start, I’ll be a better man. Be my resurrection, be my suicide ‘cos I don’t have direction, I’m not sure I tried. I’m not sure I tried.
5.
Floors 05:35
I’ve had time alone to hold my life to account, yeah you were right, I’m a coward. Take my tired form with all its flaws and mould me into everything I lack. I could start again if I could find the strength to speak my mind, rehearse my words. But I will bite my tongue and let it slide, so forgive me, a silent worthless fool. But look at my hands, maybe you’ll understand. We grew up but never managed to grow apart. We sold ourselves, we sold our souls. We lay like statuettes with steady breaths and I’m living for nights spent on the floor. I’ve had time to wait and time to waste away and time on my guilty hands. We’ll move like silhouettes with our regrets, so convince me our lives will intersect. But look at my hands, maybe you’ll understand. And I’ll hold it together until I fall apart.
6.
Beijing 04:43
I could be a bridge if you were seeking the greener grass. I could be the words if you weren’t speaking, the things you asked. I could be a lake if you were drowning sorrow with sin. I could be a king if you were crowning immortal queens. I have my faults, I lost my lines, I hope you find a better man, but maybe we could work it out someday. So take your time and I’ll take mine. I could be the hand if you were willing the seconds down. I could be the sand if you were spilling two years alone. I could be the sun if you were charting the rise and fall. I could be content if you were starting your life once more. I have my faults, I lost my lines, I hope you find a better man, but maybe we could work it out someday. So take your time and I’ll take mine. Come back across oceans and share your arms. I hope in time someone can promise more. Come home.
7.
Chains 02:26
I lie here, safe, and almost content here in your embrace, hurting (just a little) from your grip, which is so very firm. Your skin is alive, solid wind so warm, and so is the blood on your legs, which is good, because the air here is bitter, and these chains are icy cold.
8.
Kyoto 02:38
I spent a year dining with dethroned kings and drinking things with displaced men who found themselves a home again. We spent our time by the river’s edge and falling off the bench of self deceit and self abuse. Now I feel that we’re all growing up, and I fear that we’re growing apart. Well, I was no Napoleon back then, and I still don’t have it figured out. I don’t believe in suicide under trees, my broken knees are better off in coffee shops with arms aloft. We overcame mountain tops and mistakes, and earthquakes won’t defeat us, we will stand together on our own. Now I feel that we’re all moving out, and I fear that we’re all moving on. Well, I was no Napoleon back then, and I still don’t have it figured out. No, I still don’t have it figured out.
9.
Spiders 05:02
You picked me up with hands of stone, I slowly picked the spiders from your bones. I found a note with your perfume. Well, nobody knows you like I do, like you know I do. We talked ourselves into the ground, it wasn’t my intent to put you down. We had it out and made it right, and darling I was proud of how we tried, of how hard we tried. I don’t know where you are, I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if you ever knew. I only hope you’re out there, I hope you’re out there somewhere, I hope to god you made it through. I fought myself to be my best, I hope that I’m a risk you don’t regret. You brushed the dust off my skin, on decorated hills we watched ourselves begin, our new selves begin. You moved in me, I moved in you, you shivered and you shook as if you knew that when we held, we held too tight, we held too tight and everything was fine, it would all be fine. I don’t know where you are, I don’t know where to start, I don’t know if you ever knew. I only hope you’re out there, I hope you’re out there somewhere, I hope to god you made it through. I hope to god you made it through.
10.
Sorry 05:45
I paid my debt to distance, I realised my home was something I’d neglected, now my skin won’t fit my bones and none of my face faces can tell you how much I owe. But Brooklyn’s looking broken, I never meant to take your time or your attention, or the life you want to make. I scare myself with freedom, with thirty-eights and mistakes. I lost faith in myself and I need a little help. I lost faith in myself and I need a little help to stand up on my own. I crawled across the ocean, I crawled across the sea, I crawled through foreign cities to find something to be. I crawled back to a country that should have meant more to me. Now London’s looking desperate, there’s nothing here to hold and your ghost is softly singing the stories that you told, and I don’t know the words now, I’m growing up, growing old. So England keep my bones, but give me back my soul. Yeah, England keep my bones, but give me back my soul and my sense of self. Hey, I’m sorry for my failures. I’m sorry I’m not a better man. Hey, I’m sorry for my mistakes. I’m sorry for everything I am. So here’s to starting over, I hope you’re on the mend. I hope you find direction to make you smile again. I hope it makes you happy, ‘cos I’ll be fine in the end. So hold your head up high, trust me when I say, hold your head up high, and trust me when I say that you’re not alone. Hey, I’m sorry for my failures. I’m sorry I’m not a better man. Hey, I’m sorry for my mistakes. I’m sorry for everything I am.

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released March 5, 2013

Music and lyrics by Gwildungsroman.
Recording, mixing, and mastering by Ed Sokolowski at EAS Studios, Milton Keynes.

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